3. Peace in the Unknown
Current life status: still very much undecided. To quit or not to quit—that’s been the question for almost a year now. Along with a few others, like: God, what do You want me to do with this!? Hello? Anybody there? Cue crickets. Am I ever gonna get it together? It’s giving… send help.
Usually, when I have to make big decisions—like black beans or pinto beans—deep down I always know what I want. Pinto beans. But then I start to think (first mistake). Like, what if the pinto beans give me too much gas later? Okay, fine—black beans. But what if they’re undercooked? Nothing ruins my Chipotle bowl more than undercooked rice and beans. Have you ever tried eating around the undercooked rice and beans? That’s like 75% of the bowl. Absolutely not.
So here I am—one school year of contemplation in, and one month deep into trying to make a final decision. I’ve never been more stuck in my life. Except maybe when I have to choose between chocolate or mint chocolate chip ice cream. That one is worse than the Chipotle beans dilemma. Sends shivers down my spine.
It’s like—I love my students. I love seeing them grow, personally and artistically. And I really do believe in the mission of the school. But… I also love my mental health. And being honest—not just with myself, but with everyone else. This job has drained everything out of me, and the breaks go by so fast they almost feel pointless. As much as I love pushing through the uncomfy parts of life, this feels like one of those “I didn’t choose this life” moments.
So… on one hand, I’m getting major stress just thinking about doing this again. And on the other hand? Nada. No plan—just a vision of a dream I’ve always been afraid to say out loud. Why? Because the art life chose me. Because I took out student loans to become a graphic designer. Because it’s become second nature to me. What do I look like… changing course (again) at 30 years old… in my high school bedroom? Actually... that might be the perfect plot twist. She’s thinking…
Here’s the thing: I’ve always loved helping others and inspiring them to grow. Which is why I thought teaching was the route. You never know—maybe it still is. But. Since I came out of the depths of hell with Christ by my side, I’ve wanted nothing more than to shout it from the rooftop: JESUS IS REAL! JESUS HEALS! JESUS FORGIVES! GOD LOVES YOU! HE’S WAITING FOR YOU TO COME BACK HOME!
I have so much to share in hopes that it helps somebody overcome their demons. Writing a book has been a dream of mine, but it never felt realistic—because I “just draw pictures and make things look pretty.” (A sentence only non-artists say when they don’t really get what we do.) But in all honesty… it’s kind of true. LOL. Like yes, we do so much more. But also… that.
Over time (and through way too many emails), I’ve become a better writer and communicator. But I’ve never considered myself a creative writer. Though, I’m realizing—I don’t have to be. Not when it comes to God. He gave me my story and my voice for a reason. There’s someone out there who needs to hear it exactly in these words and in this tone for their heart to open up to Christ. I don’t need to please anybody but God. And that’s on period.
With that being said, I’ve officially hopped in the passenger seat and handed God the wheel—no GPS input from me. Am I… a passenger princess for Christ? A princess no longer chasing and stressing about making all the “right” choices. Because I did enough of that during school—when all the answers on the tests sounded the same. Which is literally how I’m feeling right now. Everything seems equally bad and good.
So instead… I’m letting God take me where He wants me to be. Letting Him open the doors. Letting Him decide when and what needs to be said and done. We’re taking the quote “His timing is perfect” and applying it to every area of life.
